How My Mind Works

Coconut bras

hawaii

hawaiian punch

never had hawaiian punch

i hate punch

one time I thought I would like punch, and I spit it out

Yuck punch.

I want to punch whoever made punch.

Maybe he deserves it.

Or hit him with a plaque

At conference I attempted to knock Ashley Warner out with a plaque.

I hate people that cry therefore they should be knocked out

Baby 1, 2, 3… cause he can get the knock out

Ahh back when Nicki Minaj wasn’t crazy

Crazy crazy crazy…

Wait why am I here again?

Damn it I always forget

School 6 Word Memoir

Hey Grandpa

Hey Grandpa, remember when I was little and I would come over and jump on you? Then we would sit there and watch Tom and Jerry and laugh and laugh and laugh?

Remember that one time when we were going back to my house for a barbeque and you drove all the way from your house to right across the Spring Lake bridge with my favorite marshmallow salad on the front of the car?

I remember that Christmas when you had a blood clot and they were really worried that you were gonna have another heart attack so you were in the hospital during the holidays.  

I remember going to Binder Park Zoo and pushing you around the park area, oh Grandpa your face was priceless when you got licked by that giraffe.  

I remember when you made me that blue and yellow crocheted blanket and I slept with it instead of my comforter for weeks.  

I remember two days before my 10th birthday when I came through my door and checked the answering machine.  

I remember listening to the sirens in the background and the hurried tone of Grandma’s voice, the way my mom crumbled in my arms, the numbing feeling, the tears I can’t shed.  

I remember my birthday two days later, the sad silenced that loomed in my house.  

I can still see the fake smiles on everyones faces if I look hard enough.  

I remember the funeral, the wailing, as I sat there silently in a red blouse, your favorite color in honor of you.  

I remember the way I held your ashes in my hand for the last time, and watched them sail through the trees with the wind.

Grandpa, I remember it all.

Eight years later I still miss you.  I still wear the ring you gave me around my neck.  You are my biggest inspiration.  Even though you, my dad, and Grandpa Suchecki can’t all walk me down the aisle like I wanted you to, I know you will be there in spirit.  I know you will watch me at my graduation, and I will wear your necklace proud.  

I reminisce on these things as I leave your grave sitting upon the rock where you are buried, getting close to you one last time before I leave for college.

Depression

Depression.

That’s the one thing that can change everyone’s opinion.

Marks.

People can shy away from you because they think you are dangerous

Rumors.

99% of the time they aren’t true, but people still spread them

Darkness.

The one place that you feel safe

Hopelessness.

When you just want to end it so

You do.

But you shouldn’t.  

You’re important

A star

You were created especially for the life you were given, and I know it’s not easy

But please

Please don’t give up

This is for the kids that are seeking a release.

The kids that can’t fathom that there is hope

The kids that get called weird, fat, ugly, hopeless

The kids that get told they are attention seekers,

The kids that spend their nights praying to God to take them now.

Cuts heal and turn into scars, to remind you of where you have been.

The pain you feel subsides for a little bit with every flick of a wrist and a thin, crimson streak.

Don’t go back there honey, I wish I could tell you that things will be better, but you just have to... Trust me.

I wish that I could take every person that self harms under my wing.

I wish I could croon you until you believed you are loved

I wish that you would believe that you are beautiful on the inside, and the outside

I wish that you would put down that knife, razor, flame, etc

and just give life a chance.

But I know better than that.

I know what you think of yourself,

I know what the consequences are when people discover what you do

I know how you feel because…

This is my life

This is what I’m going through

Everyday I walk into the sea of my depression.

I let the lies, the insults lap at my hips

As I move deeper, the searing pain from my arms calms my heart.

No longer can I breathe, totally engulfed by the toxicity

I sink to the floor, wanting to admire the sun one last time before I said goodbye.

Goodbye…

No.  I am better than this, I can survive

I can do this, I was put on this earth for a reason.

I’ve come so far, and hell, I ain’t stoppin’ now

So I kick.

I kick for the people that laugh at me

I kick for the people that say I can’t make it

I kick for the whispers that accompany me in school

I kick for the tears that escape my eyes at night

I kick for the blood that is sliced out of my body

I kick for the times I have to glue back together my heart

I keep kicking because I won’t let my inner demons win

I kick for the pain I feel from within my soul

I break the surface.  And I breathe.

The hardest part isn’t swimming back to shore, and

drying yourself off

It’s not letting yourself go back to that lake.

Never touching that pool of water

It’s not something that anyone can fix besides yourself.

You have to be your own knight in shining armor

And go face to face with the beings in your head that feed you lies

Every single person has personal battles, some of us just have war wounds

I’ll always have to fight this, but it’s a fight to the death

I will not let it kill me.

I will kill it.

My scars will fade into nothing but a memory.

The pain will be but a distant thought

I will smile a genuine smile

If you truly try hard enough, you will always find someway to win.

Depression.

Does not define you

Marks.

Serve as a reminder to never go back

Rumors.

Let you know that people are jealous of you

Darkness.  

Open your eyes and see the the beauty of

Hopelessness.

Erase all but the first four letters.

That’s all you need, you have to have hope, courage, and strength

You know what?

You do.

The Final Move

I’m so nervous.  Oh my God.  Breathe Lydia.  Inhale. Exhale.  Am I sweating? How’s My hair? God damn it Pequena, get out of my way.  Shit, no no Pequa! Come back! I’m sorry, oh wait, she can’t read my mind. Lalalalalalaa. Nope.  Still nervous.  Well shit, let’s just sit here and- Oh hey P, thanks for forgiving me!..... Bitch.  Oh I hear a truck, omg omg omg omg.  Why am I thinking in text form? Okay okay.  Let’s go.

Walking outside, I shield my face from the sunlight as my little dog Pequa rushes past me to greet our guests along with my mom and sister Emma.  I shyly walk up to the younger girl and look down at her.  She stands about 5 ft. and has shoulder length brown hair, with a big grin on her face as I stoop to hug her.  My mind still races.

Shouldn’t you be taller if you are older than me? Oh wait, I’m really tall.  #adoptionprobs  Thanks Clarence, it’s real good for sports, but not when you are meeting new people.  I resist the temptation to roll my eyes at my thoughts, and quietly murmur hello.  I move on to the older one who is at least 15 years younger than my mother, but still old enough.  She was around 5’7 a little taller than emma.  Her hair is curly and goes down to her bottom.  I watch as she flicks a cigarette away and put her hand on my face.  I redden at the touch, and resist the urge to flinch.  I don’t think I am doing a good job of not shaking as I walk into her embrace.  

Holy shit. This is weird.  WEIRD. WEIRD. DANGER. DANGER. WEIRD.  

What do I say.  Hi mom, last time you saw me I was coming out of you? Lydia stop.  That’s inappropriate.  

I look around at Mandy and Devin, my 38 and 20 year old birth mother and sister.  I sighed because I had opened a whole new can of worms.  However, I don’t think I will regret it.